Allusions

New adventures!

2011-11-22T02:17:00.002-05:00

The mister is now a doctor, and we're on our way to a multi-contintent adventure :)

The next two months should be very exciting!

Fear of the unknown

2011-11-05T02:19:00.003-04:00

They tell you to replace your fear of the unknown with curiosity.

Who'll tell them you fear turning that knob more than what lies behind that door?

At times, it could help to be curious of what you're capable of, than of what is on the other side of that door.

Climbing up Maslow's hierarchy is a very enriching journey!

---------------

I need to join some Toastmaster's club. I miss the Speakers' club from school.

2010 recap

2011-01-03T02:05:00.003-05:00

2010 was full of firsts for me. Some that challenged me to learn and do things I had never done before; some were pleasant surprises that were smooth rides.

Visited 'his parents' for the first time. Have had my fair share of relationships, none went till this stage though.
Went back to visit my family for the first time since I moved to the United States. It was an exhilarating moment when we saw each other at the airport. Spent an entire month with my parents and sister. There was a lot of catching up to do and the fact that they both took the month off work helped. For the first time in my life, told my parents that I had met the love of my life; the one I planned to spend the rest of my life with. They had problems accepting a foreigner as my choice, right away. But after a lot of questioning and information extraction, they took it in the right spirit.
Our first annual anniversary :)
Moved to California and got my first car. [Soon came to be known as the naive girl who answered "Which car did you buy?" with a "Silver" :P ] Moving was quite easy thanks to the relocation package and the fact that I just took my clothes with me and rented a furnished apartment.
Discovered I have pollen allergies :( Spring time is going to be rough in the desert for me!
Lived alone for the first time. It was an interesting experience to say the least. And if I didn't miss him so much, I'd continue to live alone.
This year was the first time we stayed apart for such extended periods of time :( It sucked in the start with my trip to India and then the move to California. But he soon moved out here in the summer, although in a different city. It only got better from there.
Bought my first drum set and started taking drum lessons. Something that I have wanted to do since I started listening to rock music.
We spent most of the summer and fall exploring the scenic California outdoors. I really love being close to the ocean (in spite of my hair getting frizzy!)
Attended an American wedding for the first time [even bought a nice dress!]
We took a vacation and went to San Diego for a week together [just like a week in Miami,FL last year]. Only the hotel was on an island with a view of the bay in front and a yacht club behind [it was just a golf course in Miami]. This was one of the highlights of the year.
Went on my first dinner cruise :) Champagne, French food, creme bruele, dancing - the whole deal :)
Got engaged. When he proposed by going down on both knees with a trinity diamond ring, genuine heartfelt words and a view like this, there was no reason for it to not be the perfect moment.
This year was fantastic on the music front, I got a chance to see amazing artists like A.R.Rahman, Interpol, Roger Waters, Indian Ocean etc.
The year ended with me trying my hands at golf for the first time. We drove down to visit his parents for Christmas. Went golfing with his enthusiast dad who taught me the basics and observed that I had a 'naturally good swing'.
Started my first fire inside a fireplace (at his parents' place). It is much harder than it seems!
I opened my first investment account. Financially, my goal this year was simply to pay off most of my student debt and I managed to reach the set milestones. I have been investing only in the company I work for, due to discounts and benefits. I need to learn about investment strategies.
Professionally, this year gave me a lot of opportunities to get hands on experience with large code bases. The work environment was daunting at first with extremely brilliant people as peers. But it soon became a norm to have lunch on the same table a someone with significant contributions to the field. I got reviewed and recognized for my efforts, which was nice. I have started working on the suggested improvements already. I cannot divulge more details due to Non-disclosure Agreements but the chip I worked on will be available on the shelf sometime next year. I hope to have many more interesting things to say on this blog in a similar post next year :)
Physically, this year was excellent due the amazing California weather and scenic outdoors. After moving out here, I disciplined myself into a regular running routine and managed to get myself out of the winter slumber in Georgia to easily running 5 miles under 45 minutes by the end of summer. Unfortunately, it has been raining a lot in the last month and I have been infrequent in my runs and thus lowered my mileage :( I decided to lose weight and lost about 12 lbs in 3 months :) That provided a much required morale boost.
As far as friends and social circles are concerned, I finally feel like I am ready to be in this place for the next 5 years at least. So I spent some of my time socializing and making new friends who I regularly do stuff with, be it hiking, music concerts or just movies.

Overall 2010 has been an eventful year that taught me to learn and adapt. I have been heck busy all the time (which is why this post is delayed :-|) but that is not necessarily a bad thing. Over this year, I realized that I easily get bored without challenges. So for me, climbing really difficult mountains is much more exciting than sitting around or walking on a comfortable plain.

Thus 2011 will be full of many more new firsts as well. Next post about goals in 2011. Until then adios!

Loveliest Engagement

2010-12-19T14:22:00.005-05:00

The beginning could be described by

"I know you've suffered
But I don't want you to hide
It's cold and loveless
I won't let you be denied"

[ From : A muse song ]

2 years later we were singing a duet

"You are my joy

If I could cradle you into my arms
I would cradle you tight in my arms always
So don't be scared of all the hurtful words
'Cos in the end they'll hurt themselves much more

You are my joy
You are my joy
You are my joy
You are my joy"

[ From: One of our favorite songs this year ]

Until recently he asked me with a ring in his hand

"I'm running out of ways to make you see
I want you to stay here beside me
I won't be ok and I won't pretend I am
So just tell me today and take my hand
Please take my hand
Please take my hand

Just say yes, just say there's nothing holding you back
It's not a test, nor a trick of the mind
Only love"

[ Just say yes - Snow Patrol ]

The wedding is next year on this exact day. He makes me feel like I am in a dream :) I need to gather the courage to wake up and see that it is real.

The spectator

2010-05-07T01:19:00.006-04:00

The one who wants everything but is too naive to realize what needs to be done to achieve it. Remains oblivious.
The one who doesn't want everything but does just enough to achieve what (s)he wants. Sometimes waivers, but is capable of damage control. Is mostly satisfied.
The one who is unsure, denies (s)he wants something because (s)he doesn't want to lose face in case (s)he doesn't achieve something; mainly under-confident. Is mostly in denial, even with self at times. Escapes by taking the 'higher-than-thou' approach and preaching 'accomplishment means nothing in the grander scheme'.
The one who randomly picks something 'to want', fixes focus on it, knows it means nothing in the bigger scheme of things, yet takes efforts for it; wants to throw it away (to prove it really means nothing to him/her) after achieving it. Tends to treat it all as a game. Indifferent after the accomplishment.

And then there is the one who is amused to watch them all along. The one who silently scoffs to him/herself and considers them as steps of his/her own evolution. Brimmed with conceit, will this one ever stop for a moment to think what (s)he is without them? Just on his/her own. Maybe if (s)he did, (s)he would discover a blend of all of them or maybe a pure new kind. I wish (s)he stops to realize, even for a moment that (s)he isn't rather can't merely be a spectator.

I don't know where those words came from, I decided to write on the blog tonight and ended up writing something so abstract. So, here is a scoop on something factual.

I have been busy. Work is very exciting; I get to interact with sharp minds all the time. Was overwhelmed initially, but more comfortable now. Although solving cutting edge technology problems can be daunting once solved, it is very rewarding. I spend weekends mostly outdoors.

Trying to discipline my

body to an active routine (training for a half marathon);
mind by cutting down TV and spending more time reading.

Not much progress on that front :(

Cooking has gone on a back burner (no pun intended!). Not entirely unhappy about that. I do use it as a stress buster occasionally.

He has moved closer and I get to see him more often. I continue to fall (even more) in love with him. Strange how the graph of increase in affection over time is exactly the opposite compared to my previous trysts, rather flings.

Basically learning to -

take better pictures (I took the picture in this post),
write better (performance efficient) code (can't share that due to confidentiality agreements),
drive confidently and
run at a faster pace.

The Planets Bend Between Us .... yes, they still do.

2010-03-14T01:41:00.005-05:00

I have already mentioned this song here. But it makes me gush and blush every time I listen to it. I just heard it on the Numb3rs season finale and couldn't resist posting the lyrics.

The Planets Bend Between Us

The winters mar the Earth
It's floor was frozen glass
You slip into my arms
And you quickly correct yourself
Your freezing speech bubbles
Seem to hold your words aloft
I want the smoky clouds of laughter
To swim about me forever more

I will race you to the waterside
And from the edge of Ireland shout out loud
So they could hear it in America
It's all for you

The shells crack under our shoes
Like punctuation points
The planets bend between us
A hundred million suns and stars
The sea filled in this silence
Before you sank those words
And now even in the darkness
I can see how happy you are

I will race you to the waterside
And from the edge of Ireland shout out loud
So they could hear it in a America
It's all for you

It's all for you
It's all for you
It's all for you
It's all for you
It's all for you

- Snow Patrol

Today is one of those days when all I want to say is

Even the best isn't good enough
not without you....
cos I miss you!

Besides that life is good (getting used to the new job and driving around the new place). Can't wait until summer till it turns good enough :) Should be beautiful in California.

Mama I'm coming home

2010-01-11T02:09:00.002-05:00

This year started with a great trip to snowy Grand Canyon and the Petrified forests. The view of snow clad Grand Canyon was a striking contrast to what I saw when I hiked down last summer. It was very sunny and the fresh snow simply made it appear pristine. The Petrified forest and the Painted desert presented a view unparalleled to anything I had *ever* seen before.

For the last week, I have been listening to a lot of Ozzy Osborne. A friend had once told me his experience with this particular song. I didn't quite grasp the sentiment at that time. But today while packing my bags, I heard this song and instantly had goosebumps.

Times have changed and times are strange
Here I come, but I ain't the same
Mama, I'm coming home

I've seen your face a hundred times
Everyday we've been apart
I don't care about the sunshine, yeah

'Cause mama, mama, I'm coming home
I'm coming home

- Ozzy Osborne

At the end of 2009 .... all is well

2009-12-31T23:47:00.005-05:00

"So many unhappily fail to realize that the sacrifice of life is, in many cases, the easiest of all sacrifices, and to sacrifice, for instance, five or six years of their seething youth to hard and tedious study, if only to multiply ten-fold their powers of serving the truth and the cause they have set before them as a goal -- such a sacrifice is utterly beyond the strength of many of them."
- Dostoyevsky [The Brothers Karamazov]

If I had to summarize the year 2009, I'd say it has been a terrific roller-coaster. (I detested roller-coasters). There were times when I felt I was walking in a dark tunnel and could not see any light at the end of it. Just glad there was someone holding my hand all the way and telling me to walk-on cos he believed I could do it. It is now easy to look back and say victory favors the bold. I learnt a lot in this year and can now only agree with Napoleon Bonaparte when he said “Victory belongs to the most persevering.”

My blog post count has been the lowest by far in the last 5 years, which means I haven't been the unhappiest. Although it has been the most difficult time of my life (or so I'd hope), the fruit at the end of the strife makes me want to describe it more aptly as "challenging". The year is over and so has my struggle with depression, confusion and unemployment. The roller-coaster ride has ended and I am safe.... ready for the next ride :) Last year when a friend said to me that maybe this year would bring me something much more precious in spite of the delay with the usual stuff -- I honestly did not believe her, but now I think she was absolutely right. I am a year late, but no way could have I made it till here and have all that I do now a year ago. Things take their own sweet time indeed, patience and perseverance is the only option one is left with.

It is a blue moon tonight (I wonder how often that happens on new years eve), and I am in the desert (as warm as it could be in the winter) with clear skies. The drive in a convertible beckons.... and I could use some wind on my face after some delicious sushi. It is going to be one of the nicest new years eve, I'm sure.
Here s to new beginnings.... wish you all a wonderful and fulfilling 2010.

2009-11-27T01:47:00.002-05:00

I know this is an extremely inappropriate and explicit post. Some might say I am being unreasonably dramatic in my reaction. But, I need to get this off my chest. And heck its my blog I can write what ever I want.

To you,

I will come straight to the point. I think you are a gutless bastard. You were so timid to tell me the truth that you'd didn't care if your actions and fake reasons cost me a couple of extremely painful months full of self loathing and doubt. That simply reflects the extent to which you really cared. I saddens me that in spite of knowing how much I appreciate upfront honesty, you did not have the balls to tell me that the real reason you were walking away was because you had finally gathered enough courage to ask her out after years of chickening out. It surely wasn't the first time that happened to me, but it surely was the first time I believed all that you promised, the first time that I actually loved someone so dearly.

Friends try to pacify me by telling me how it was all for the best and how I should let it go. I am very well aware that if you didn't walk away I wouldn't have met the person I am now with. It is quite comforting to know that he is way better than you in every possible aspect I could ever fathom. But, just because everything is wonderful now doesn't mean I should forgive you for the hell I've been through. I sincerely think you're a chapter in my life that doesn't even deserve to be hidden away deep down, you deserve to be burned. Somewhere while disposing those ashes might I realize that your words were as flaky as those ashes. I am bitter enough to not feel sympathetic for you having to quit a phase of your career. You became a quitter the day you quit on us, everything that follows will just manifest that characteristic.

And I wrote this here instead of an email is because I know you will see this. (Yes, that is how you avoid the guilt of being fickle by fakely convincing yourself you care.) And guess what, I knew right from the start that she was the real cause. Now it is simply confirmed. Don't ever expect me to forgive you. I have waited for two long years to say this. Since you lacked the balls for a honest upfront confrontation, I had to get closure via this blog post. So there.

Me.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-27T01:41:00.003-05:00

Thankful, for our first thanksgiving together. Experimented with making turkey for the very first time. Turned out much better than expected. I am high on good food.

I'm thankful for all the things that have turned out so much better than I ever anticipated :)

Happy thanksgiving everyone!

Heh!

2009-11-05T18:51:00.003-05:00

This is quite an interesting blog. I really don't understand why some people get so worked up at stuff that is meant to be humorous :P After all, there is a reason why facts are overly exaggerated to seem so ridiculous that it is funny!
PS: I was totally amused by comments on this post.

Blind Pilot

2009-11-05T18:37:00.004-05:00

Watched them live once more last night. Last time I saw this band, they opened for The Decemberists in summer. I heard them for the first time then and was very impressed (and talked about them in this post). Last night they were the main band and I was lucky enough to see them up close. One hell of a show, to say the least :)

There seems to be a steep paradigm shift in the rock scene in recent years. With the internet era, iTunes downloads and music recommendations sites 'Indie' bands are going to overtake the mainstream well established bands. Way to go!

Happy

2009-10-26T16:10:00.003-04:00

Just read this amazing quote somewhere. The beauty of simplicity often amuses me :)

"In elementary school, they asked me to write about what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy". They told me I didn't understand the assignment, I told them they didn't understand life."

~ Unknown

Looking back

2009-10-23T17:01:00.003-04:00

Sometimes you get tired of carrying the burdens of the unknown for way too long. They say time heals all pains. Maybe if you found out the answer or real reasons of certain events after a couple of months, you probably don't feel sad that it happened. (More often than not, you're glad it did.) But isn't it human to still feel betrayed? Cos I do.

In retrospect, the fact I found out after ~20 months was because it was carefully hidden till now hoping that time healed everything. That just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I don't think time is going to fix this bitterness.

Frighteningly beautiful

2009-10-21T14:22:00.004-04:00

At bottom, everything he desires and plans goes wrong. What he has occasionally set his heart upon has brought him several times to the edge of the abyss and within a hair of destruction; and if he escaped that, it was certainly not with merely a few scratches. Do you suppose that he feels unhappy about that? He made up his mind long ago not to take his own plans and desires too seriously.
"If I do not succeed that this," he says to himself, "I may perhaps succeed at that; and on the whole I do not know whether I do not have more reason to be grateful to my failures than to any success. What constitutes value and the result of life for me lies elsewhere; my pride as well as my misery lie elsewhere. I know more about life because I have so often been at the verge of losing it; and precisely for that reason do I get more out of life than any of you."

- Friedrich Nietzsche [The Gay Science]

At 25

2009-10-13T23:33:00.003-04:00

At 25, I don't care how empty the glass is. All that I know is that I need to keep pouring and trying to fill it up until it is full, however long that takes. Perhaps life becomes easier if you compare yours to Sisyphus.

Birthday was fun!

My food blog

2009-10-12T00:08:00.005-04:00

Finally decided to pay heed to my friend's suggestion and started a food blog (primarily will post recipes of my successful trysts in the kitchen). I was procrastinating it due to the 'homely/housewife-y' stigma associated with it by the chuvanists. But I figured, food knows no gender bias.
All the recipes and pictures are from yours truely's kitchen :)

Pause

2009-10-04T19:56:00.004-04:00

The crucial point in most situations is the realization of when to stop, step back, expand scope and see stuff in a grander scheme of things. And only then putting things in perspective is useful, iff at all. What happens after that is unpredictable. It could be the tipping point (that leads to a severe fall into an irrecoverable abyss) or simply a pit-stop (that could drastically turn things around and propel events in a good way). Either way, sooner the better.

My website

2009-09-23T01:49:00.004-04:00

Finally ... after eons of procrastination, I finished it. I still can't find much to write there like I do on this blog though .

:)

Only if you run!

2009-09-20T02:42:00.003-04:00

I was never a big fan of Interpol, but this new album by the lead vocalist of Interpol is way too awesome.

.... And that makes me say "Julian Plenti is.... Skyscraper indeed".
I am stuck in a loop with the opening song of this album. There is something about these lines that stir something recursive

'Cause harmless medications abound, and you're not sick

You will make it
But only if you run!

You will make it
But only if you run!

- Only if you run (Julian Plenti)

Do check out the album. Unwind and No chance survival are the next best songs.

Rain!

2009-09-18T19:10:00.004-04:00

Until now I'd always get annoyed by the rains spoiling my running plans. But ever since I started training for a half-marathon, I decided to not let the weather ruin my workout. And today I found out that there are probably very few things more refreshing than a nice 5K run in the rain.

Perseverance is more valuable than most things in any worthy accomplishment. (Of course there are exceptions, but those mostly end up being one time wonders.) Learn to change and then to stick :)

Florida!

2009-08-26T21:07:00.003-04:00

Florida - road trip - week long getaway - drive to The Keys with the ocean on both sides all along - Miami - beaches - Jamba Juice for lunch everyday (they don't have JJ in Georgia :-| ) - lobsters - crab-cakes - salmons - tunas - cruise - awesome!

Trapped

2009-08-01T10:59:00.004-04:00

Wait till the ice melts. Hang on.
Stay warm.
Don't quit fighting the cold, and freeze.
Someday there'll be a warm breeze.
On one such hot and sunny day,
the sun will melt your pain away.

Just one of those days when you wake up early on a weekend.... can't stop thinking about your present, try to pin-point what was it you did (rather did not) that got you here. 2 years away from home. And although the integral sum of life is very good, you can't resist the urge to go fix some parts. Never realized peer pressure had such terrible effects until now. Pink Floyd's "High hopes" has never made so much sense ever before. Ever!

PS: Don't feel sorry for anyone involved. Most circumstances occur cos although they're not desired, they were deserved. Deserved in one way or another, however indirectly.

The Kissaway Trial

2009-07-29T17:03:00.004-04:00

An amazing song by an unknown band (rather not-so-popular-band). I couldn't find their album and had to resort to downloading the FIFA 09 soundtracks album to get my hands on this song! :P

Short, simple but sweet lyrics.

"Writing everything down
In order to keep track of time, I
The scent, the day, this moment!
With hands covering my eyes
Shadows they're good, then I know there's light.

We can, we're strong, we'll beat it!
We can, we're strong, we'll beat it!"

- 61 [The Kissaway Trial]

You can find the song here.

Of this and that

2009-07-21T17:11:00.003-04:00

If all things that bring true happiness are free,
why then do we keep running under the money tree?

The downside of deriving joy from simple things in life is that people only notice you fretting about trivial stuff. Ironic eh?

___________________________________________

Stalkers are creepy. And no matter what, there is nothing, *absoltuely nothing* flattering about them. The degree to how sad that makes you probably depends on how big a loser each one is, otherwise.

___________________________________________

I don't want to get into arguing how well Slumdog was made or discussing the fallacies it portrays. The only moral I took from it was the bitter truth we know all along but pretend doesn't exist.
Everyone who (offers to?) helps you has a motive to do so, whether ulterior or not. If people don't think they can benefit from you in some way they wouldn't blink before screwing you over.

And I'd argued against this fact when he first told me this. Dismissed it by calling him a cynic. A recent incident shook my faith in mankind and I gave up arguing (in fact ate my previous words) and felt sorry. Not about having to apologize to him, but for being such a fool all along. He just flashed a lovely smile, not in a "toldya so" manner, but more in a "it's okay. Glad you figured it out without too much damage."

Makes me realize how its not such a bad thing to have terrible experiences, better late than never.

Pedicured!

2009-07-10T14:45:00.003-04:00

Yes, so after procrastinating it for over 5 months I finally got a pedicure done this week. And liked it quite a bit.

My favourite part was the lady's (pedicurist's) reaction when I asked her if I could get a pedicure without nail-paint after she asked me to select a shade :D She seemed in a vortex of confusion for eternity, so I decided to spare us both the awkwardness and picked the least gaudy colour. Anyhow, I don't remember the last time I saw paint on my toes. I don't think she liked me even one bit, given that I suck at small talk and most of my replies at her attempts of initiating conversations were yes/no.

Although I feel embarrassed about slowly turning so girly (yes, its cool rather convenient to be a tomboy), I realised I have been wearing flip-flops everywhere except the gym ever since.

Writer's block? Uh-huh.

2009-06-25T14:44:00.004-04:00

So few people have asked why I haven't been posting much lately. And even the things I write are more or less updates about whats up? with me. Writers' block? you might ask. Well its a little more complicated than that.
A close friend once made a very deep observation about my behavioral pattern. According to him, until now I haven't had a friend who was all encompassing to my expectations from her/him. Be it the need to talk geeky, feel motivated, find emotional support or just have a simple conversation. There was always some piece missing. And in an attempt to fill in the missing piece, I'd turn to other friends, blogs etc. Which is why I had very distinct set of friends with hardly any or no intersection. Now although its not a bad thing, his conclusion was that I lacked a best friend, someone I could talk to about anything and everything without any inhibitions or fear of being judged. No matter how close the person was, I at least had a thin cloak.
I thought about it and realized he was correct. Come of think of it, my blog profile says that I write about things I cannot talk about to anyone. Which brings us back to the question at the beginning of this post, why have I not been posting frequently as before? Well, seems like I got really lucky. Now I have a friend whom I can talk to about anything and everything. There is nothing missing, so I don't resort to blogging to vent out my feelings. It was a scary realization at first since there someone you care about the most, who knows you inside out and thus has the utmost ability to hurt you. So, I was in denial for a while. But then something happened that changed it all. I didn't even have to say the words out loud, and they were heard and understood. Which answers the question as to why I don't blog as much these days. I don't feel the need to. I have someone who hears me out, even when I don't say the words.
Nothing that ever came close to being perfect has lasted in my life so far, which is why I was in denial at first. But knowing that this friendship is mutually important, the prospect was less scary. I am now glad to openly admit that I now have a friend who sees me without the thinnest cloak. And hope (rather know) will last forever. This doesn't mean I am going to stop blogging. No, I will come back and write. But like I once told someone, I tend to blog when I am upset or sad. For the last 4 years this blog has been more of a punch-bag or a dump-yard for my emotional outbursts. And it will take a while before that changes. With some efforts, I should hopefully be able to write about new, cheerful and interesting things and not just events.

These are some thoughts that struck me when I finally quit denying. Sadly I slept over them and wrote them down after I woke up the next morning, which is why they might not be accurate.

As you lay beside me, I am happy
for all the tears I had to shed,
for all the pain I had to bear,
for all the pieces my heart broke into,
for all the abyss of despair I slipped into,
for all the moments I felt lonelier than everyone,
for all the moments I had no faith in anyone,
for all the fear cos of dubious cicumstances,
for all the memories of sad and stolen glances.

All of that strengthens my conviction
of how this moment is so precious,
and how its worth all the strife and action.
You're the motivation why I'm now so couragous.

Hazards of Love

2009-06-04T19:15:00.003-04:00

Wasn't a fan of The Decemberists until I heard this album. The only favorite song I had was this. This album tells an interesting tale via all its songs. Watched them live last night and I think they put up a great show. And the opening band viz. Blind Pilots were surprisingly good. The first thing I did after the concert was got their album.
Haven't updated this blog for a while. Mainly cos there s nothing interesting (that I want to share publicly) or noteworthy worth writing about. Life s a rut (not in a good way). Sometimes bad situations last for so long that you move from the denial -> disappointment -> despair -> acceptance phases to simply living through them.
But it s good to have at least some(thing/one) that gives you a reason to keep trying and continuing the strife. Like I once said,

A single goal was never this dear,
the wait is agonizing now its clear.

There are days when I want to stop walking in this dark tunnel cos I am tired of not being able to see any light at the end of it. But then I realize its at least better than sitting in the dark waiting for it to magically light up.

Ending this post with the best lines in the album....

"Singing oh, the hazards of love
Singing oh, the hazards of love
You'll learn soon enough
The prettiest whistles won't wrestle the thistles undone
Undone
Undone
Undone"

Oprah Winfrey's advice

2009-04-19T21:40:00.005-04:00

I know posting email forwards on a blog is quite lame / uncreative, but I couldn't resist posting this one. Specially cos I have seen a lot of girlfriends lose sight of friends as soon as a man comes along (and mostly to a bad end later). They call me "not attached enough" since I don't behave like them when I start dating someone. I'd rather be a "detached girlfriend" who has strongly knit long term friends instead of a girl with string of "tightly attached" relationships and no friends. Here s the email I recieved ....

HEAR WHAT OPRAH WINFREY HAD TO SAY ABOUT MEN

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better". You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behaviour. Change comes from within.
Don't ever make him feel he is more important than you are... Even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man.
A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you.
All men are not dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending. Compromise is two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to complete you. A relationship consists of two whole individuals. Look for someone complimentary....not supplementary.
Make him miss you sometimes.... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. *Keep him in your radar but get to know others.*
You should know that: You're the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he'll miss out on a good thing.
If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one. They're all watching you, and want you more…. so you have a lot of choices. Make the right one.
Ladies take care of your own hearts!

The best way out ....

2009-04-15T18:44:00.006-04:00

Three years ago, I would have freaked out at the slightest thought of not having a concrete long term plan. There was no scope for taking each day as it comes the way I was raised. You always had to have a plan. That's quite valid as well, when most circumstances are under your control.

But at times life throws a cruel joke at you & the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle is all you're left with. And you can simply try to fix them one piece at a time to the best of your ability, hoping that the bigger picture will take care of itself and turn out to be beautiful. Just not giving up isn't always enough. Beginning smaller battles at a time is much easier && better :)

"Stay still until you know
Tomorrow finds the best way out is through."

Ungodly Hour [The Fray]

PS: I'd highly recommend "How to save a life" and "The Fray" by "The Fray", "The Invitation" and "Contact" by "Thirteen Senses".

Into the fire

2009-03-24T10:54:00.003-04:00

Once upon a time, there was someone I really admired. That someone used to say that the true strength of a metal is brought out only after it passes through the fire test. I don't think you have to be a metallurgist to realize that this principle holds for a lot of other things in life as well.

This song I have been listening to reminds me of that. It has grown a lot on me over the last 2 weeks.

Come on, come on
Put your hands into the fire
Explain, explain
As I turn and meet the power
This time, this time
Turning white and senses dire
Pull up, pull up
From one extreme to another

- Into the fire [Thirteen Senses]

The Planets Bend Between Us

2009-03-17T01:11:00.006-04:00

Life is never easy, yet I'm glad that I can be thankful to it. For the few constants in this unpredictable world full of variables.

I'm also thankful, to the conditional constants of the past that made me realize the true worth of the unconditional ones & treasure them.

The title of this post is inspired from here.

The Crisis of Credit

2009-03-10T19:04:00.001-04:00

For the layman ....

The Crisis of Credit Visualized from Jonathan Jarvis on Vimeo.

Stay off!

2009-03-03T13:06:00.003-05:00

If you haven't been informed about something, ever considered the possibility that they did not intend to include you at all? Poking your nose into something that is none of your business might get it stuck someday. Suffocation is an unpleasant thing, now ain't it?

Happy birthday to you!

2009-02-26T02:17:00.003-05:00

Some friends are far off way more than usual. Which sucks but with some thoughtfulness / words / actions its comforting to know that so close no matter how far, they couldn't be much more from the heart :)
Here s to one such bud, Happy birthday to you! Wish you have a wonderful year ahead and around me for the next one :)

Hopefully the next birthday will be different than this routine.
And here comes the song (it always has to be a song for Mak). Can't really say why I picked up this one from so many others.

I wanna hold your hand

2009-02-20T01:50:00.003-05:00

Can't call myself an ardent Beatles fan. I only listen to the songs that V keeps sending (who by the way is a big fan!) But these days I have kinda started appreciating their music. The simplicity in their lyrics amuses me, though! So much for holding hands.

Haircut!

2009-02-18T17:39:00.003-05:00

So I got a haircut yesterday and have been feeling really good about myself after ages! I didn't know a haircut could uplift my mood so much. But she did. Thats why they say close friends are those who know you better than yourself :) I was surprised to see a haircut & a nails voucher as my gift. I gave her a shrug and a goodbye hug at the airport. After procrastinating for over a week I finally decided to enter the fancy salon, and came out grinning ear to ear. Called her up and told her how happy I was. She said she knew :) (I even tipped the chic generously - which I rarely do unless its a hot guy)
I have always had short hair. Never really had the patience to grow 'em below my shoulders. A person's haircut kinda makes a statement about them they say. (The real deal is that my hair is terribly wavy and becomes messier as it grows!) A lot of people say I can pull off this look with such short hair very well, not many girls can (and I don't pay attention to the others). In fact I make a mental note to never ever date guys who even slightly hint that I should at least try growing my hair once. I somehow hate how people think that women should have long hair just because its been that way conventionally. Anyway, for someone who thinks Keira Knightley is one of the prettiest women its kinda difficult to convince that long hair is a prerequisite to looking good.

Don't need a song to be happy right now. So no song today :)

Toss The Feathers

2009-02-15T17:45:00.002-05:00

Sometimes instrumentals do what lyrics cannot. Are happiness and fear mutually exclusive? Shouldn't they be? What about the fear of losing the state of happiness?

Happy Valentine's day!

2009-02-14T01:01:00.004-05:00

Here s wishing everyone a happy Valentine's day. For those of you who've found it already, I wish this love is long lasting. And best wishes for those who are in the pursuit of it. Quite a few nice guys finish last, that s okay.

"Only when the joy of being held outweighs the fear of being held back is there something worth holding on."

Cannonball

2009-02-11T02:15:00.006-05:00

There s this song called Cannonball by Damien Rice that goes like

"There's still a little bit of your song in my ear
There's still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball"

For the last 365 days, answering phone calls hasn't been the same. Perhaps it never will be. The eagerness, joy & affection it once had has died forever. One full year & I still find myself saying "Why the fuck did it have to go wrong?!"
I don't demand fairness in life anymore. Not everybody lives happily ever after.
Too late to make amends, its time to try and smile to other phone calls.

I am going to stop asking that question in retrospection. You messed it up. [Something so amazing that occurs once in a lifetime iff at all.] And for that I can never forgive you ever!

:'(

{Walks out & shuts the door closed!}

Divas ase ki

2009-01-14T02:42:00.002-05:00

The song says it all. I don't need to ruin it by writing something here.

The sounds of silence!

2009-01-06T19:22:00.006-05:00

One of the most brilliant (non-Floyd) songs I have recently heard that heavily uses allusions, imagery and symbolism.

"Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
because a vision softly creeping
left its seeds while I was sleeping
and the vision
that was planted in my brain
still remains
within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
narrow streets of cobbled stone
‘neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
when my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
a neon light
that split the night
and touched the sound of silence ......"

- The Sounds of Silence [Simon & Garfunkel]

Happy new year!

2009-01-01T17:53:00.002-05:00

Hope this year brings in lots of good times and well deserved opportunities.
Thinking about new resolutions. Lets see,

Lose weight (too embarrassed to mention exactly how much)
Increase stamina to be able to run at least 7 miles
Finish reading all the books lying in the "stuff to read" list
Cut down watching TV
Stop cutting my hair too short (it clearly gives really wrong signals to people with different preferences and causes awkwardness)
Stop the pursuit of happiness since its a mirage. Indulge in small pleasures from time to time, instead.
Memories cannot be erased, be brave enough to face them. If they hurt, learn to laugh at them.
Stay in touch with people, at least try.

Goodbye 2008!

2008-12-31T18:32:00.003-05:00

Its no good looking back at 2008. Nothing much to fondly look back at. So as usual I sum it up with a song.

And say Goodbye
..... with hopes that no year to come will ever be as cruel as this one.
Cheers!
(=

And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
....
....
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean...I guess I should!

Unheralded reminiscence

2008-12-30T18:22:00.016-05:00

At times some events, words, objects trigger certain emotions tied to some part of consciously faded memory. And even as the most evolved creatures, humans cannot always circumvent or brush off those triggers. They cannot be picked up and put aside or covered up like a useless piece of bauble. Human beings can choose to ignore them, but they cannot be forgotten.

It might be yet another ordinary unsuspecting day of your life, when out of nowhere, something-anything, an old forgotten song, a photograph, a phrase or simply an email which escaped from being flushed out sends you reeling back into your past and douses you in memories. Memories and feelings that you thought you had put behind you long ago, put in the back corner of your mind and covered with the dust of the present.

The natural defense mechanism would be to look for distraction. You can seek diversion with obscure books and movies. Some of you try to surround yourself with places, people, and every form of entertainment available. Lie as we may, deep down we know the inevitable truth that no matter what, 'the memory remains' and it will continue to remain through the different places, relationships and circumstances. It will always be there dormantly, and when least expect it, you will hear a word or song, see an object, or have a passing thought, and be struck with the realization that you never truly got over it. And then you realize that you cannot run away from it indefinitely with mindless distractions.

What exactly is this "it" that acts like a stubborn stain on the corner of your mind?
"It" is hope that pops out its head from the perpetual despair. "It" is the memories that surface out from the usual cynicsm. "It" is the emotions you felt at one time, but are too wary to feel again. And I bet most of us don't exactly know how to deal with "it" or what to do with "it".

Its amusing how a simple memory can grip the heart and manage to drain out at least one drop of emotion. That emotion you swore to never allow to linger around you the lastime this occurred. Strange, how a single word can bring you to your knees, bring you to the point of breaking, and leave you breathless. Stranger still, how an image, a face, stays with you, reminding you of a time, of a place, when you felt alive. Reminding you of dreams that became reality. Reminding you how someone actually managed make you feel beautiful and brought out the best in you. Reminding you constantly of the hope so delicately intermingled with regret. Reminding you of all you didn't say, all you wanted to do, and all that you would give for going back just before the point of no return. Two words come to us during this thinking and reminiscing. Two words that cover us with their brutal reality "what if".

I don't forget. I can't forget. I stopped trying to "forget" a while ago, because I know it is useless. In fact trying to forget draws much more attention. Sure, the pain will dissapate. Yeah, the regret and despair will eventually fade. But the memory will never go away. Never ever. Even 20 years from now when I look back, I will remember the details just as vividly as I do right now, or I did last year.

But there comes a point in each one's life when you have to set your foot down and decide to stop. To stop not remembering, missing or reminiscing but to stop 'feeling'. Stop being stirred even 1/100th as deeply as you are now. That is called a state of indifference. It is the only thing that can aptly deal with "it". And I am sure indifference can be achieved with conscious efforts. I know its time to start attempts in order to successfully deal with "it".

Fated to pretend

2008-12-26T16:03:00.004-05:00

* I could never understand why people would call me while walking from one place to another. Apparently thats a good time to catch up with friends. I'd rather catch up with music while walking to and back from school. But that was until I lost my iPod. Now with Eric gone, I have resorted to calling up one of my friends [strictly 3-4]. Sadly except for one, the others have left for overseas vacation.

* I hate Decembers in this country. Seems like this entire nation comes to a standstill during the holiday season. Maybe I am grumpy simply cos I dont have family (&& friends) to spend time with, over here [which is what people are primarily supposed to do during this season].

* So during one of these "catching up" walks, my friend recommended a movie which he'd recently watched. I got home and searched for its torrent. After being unable to find one for a couple of minutes, I buzzed my friend to confirm the movie title, I realized that I was searching for "wiki christina barcelona" instead of "Vicky Christina Barcelona". How geeky can one get! :( This is a terrible sign!

Its when

you need to be reminded that a person's name is spelled as Vicky not Wiki
you talk to your close ones way more on the phone than face to face
you go on for days at a stretch not actually speaking to anyone at all

do you realize that you have been institutionalized.
And there is really nothing, nothing we can do (:

Here s an apt song to express how I feel. Its from a movie I watched earlier this summer. It was quite popular viz. 21. The lyrics are amazingly satirical.

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life
Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives
I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin and fuck with the stars
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars

This is our decision to live fast and die young
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun!
Yeah it's overwhelming, but what else can we do?
Get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute?

Forget about our mothers and our friends
We were fated to pretend

I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world
I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home
Yeah, I'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone

But there is really nothing, nothing we can do
Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce
We'll find some more models, everything must run its course

We'll choke on our vomit and that will be the end
We were fated to pretend

Yeah, yeah, yeah

- MGMT [Time to pretend]

Unbreakable?!

2008-12-26T02:45:00.006-05:00

Much has been said about broken hearts, be it in literature, songs or movies. The following quote sums it up for me.

“Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.”

- Albert Camus

Camus further goes on to say,
"We always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love - first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage."

Quite ironic, eh?
(:

Wearing the inside out

2008-12-23T00:25:00.003-05:00

From morning to night I stayed out of sight
Didn't recognise I'd become
No more than alive I'd barely survive
In a word...overrun

Won't hear a sound
He's curled into the corner
From my mouth
But still the screen is flickering
I've spent too long
With an endless stream of garbage to
On the inside out
...curse the place
My skin is cold
In a sea of random images
To the human touch
The self-destructing animal
This bleeding heart's
Waiting for the waves to break
Not beating much

I murmured a vow of silence and now
I don't even hear when I think aloud
Extinguished by light I turn on the night
Wear its darkness with an empty smile

I'm creeping back to life
My nervous system all awry
I'm wearing the inside out

Look at him now
He's paler somehow
But he's coming around
He's starting to choke
It's been so long since he spoke
Well he can have the words right from my mouth

And with these words I can see
Clear through the clouds that covered me
Just give it time then speak my name
Now we can hear ourselves again

I'm holding out
He's standing on the threshold
For the day
Caught in fiery anger
When all the clouds
And hurled into the furnace
Have blown away
...to curse the place
I'm with you now
He's torn in all directions
Can speak your name
And still the screen is flickering
Now we can hear
Waiting for the flames to break
Ourselves again

- Pink Floyd
[Wearing the inside out]

Slow

2008-12-08T17:54:00.004-05:00

I hate being the one in the slower train. Its very tiring to just sit and wait before you reach someplace, while everything else just moves past at a much faster pace. And you simply seem to move at a snail's pace. To know that you can't even get off or have nowhere to go, sucks!
To endure this gets exponentially painful with time. Such a drag.
How long, damn it how long!

I agree I find it too difficult to let go and move on from most events / people / experiences, but in this case it isn't my fault.

An obituary

2008-12-07T17:38:00.002-05:00

Eric, an iPod shuffle from Apple, was lost last week from callousness of his owner. He was 23 months old. A devoted music buff, Eric was very dependable. He was an interesting companion, with never a dull moment. But, in his final days he revealed an unknown side by going missing for a couple of days. Since he was found after a few days, the owner expected the same to occur the last time Eric went missing. But the search for Eric terminated last night in failure. Yet in certain defeat we hope that Eric will continue to give company and cheer up some soul. Asked about the loss of her dearest companion for the past two years, S, the owner described Eric as one of the best things that happened to her. She also added that he provided great support and stuck around with her during the most difficult phase of her life. "Time heals. As days go by, I will move on to a newer companion. But Eric will be always remain special as he was my first iPod", S noted. Eric's better half, the Sony earphones badly miss him and currently show withdrawal syndromes. "They should be fine in a few weeks", S said.

PS: Okay, so I name things I love and treat them as real people. So what!

Fulfillment

2008-12-06T23:28:00.004-05:00

The struggle to the top is in itself enough to fulfill the human heart. Sisyphus should be regarded as happy.

- Albert Camus

Diamonds and rust!

2008-12-04T19:01:00.001-05:00

Her voice is superb! It actually hurts to hear her sing those words.

Turn me back into the pet that I was when we met

2008-12-03T20:14:00.005-05:00

So what if you weren't strong enough? We'll be fine even if one of us is. I promised, I would be stronger than you. Although people are weak when drunk, I have been trying real hard. You broke your promises, I wont. Cos perhaps I didn't deserve it, but I know you do. I'm not adamant, just trying to keep that promise .... for the past 10 months. We know how your drunk call changed many things. I will never make a call of that sort. But I am weak right now, so I am going to sing it out here!

Gold teeth and a curse for this town were all in my mouth.
Only, I don't know how they got out, dear.
Turn me back into the pet that I was when we met.
I was happier then with no mind-set.

And if you'd 'a took to me like
A gull takes to the wind.
Well, I'd 'a jumped from my tree
And I'd a danced like the king of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

New slang when you notice the stripes, the dirt in your fries.
Hope it's right when you die, old and bony.
Dawn breaks like a bull through the hall,
Never should have called
But my head's to the wall and I'm lonely.

And if you'd 'a took to me like
A gull takes to the wind.
Well, I'd 'a jumped from my tree
And I'd a danced like the kind of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

God speed all the bakers at dawn may they all cut their thumbs,
And bleed into their buns 'till they melt away.

I'm looking in on the good life I might be doomed never to find.
Without a trust or flaming fields am I too dumb to refine?
And if you'd 'a took to me like
Well I'd a danced like the queen of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

- New Slang [ The Shins]

Mumbai

2008-11-29T16:02:00.004-05:00

The Taj has been an epitome of Mumbai right from my early memories when I first visited the city as a kid. The turn of events in the past few days, have triggered a series of emotions right from shock, extremism, anger, despair to the feeling of its been going on for too long now. Just STOP!
We all know that the spirit of Mumbai will get it back on track within hours, but the question that remains how long? How long can we continue bragging about this spirit & resilience and not do anything about preventing such ghastly incidents?
We need to wake up and fight back. If 'an eye for an eye makes the world blind', so be it. Why should we be the only ones to become blind?!

PS: This is a hard hitting movie. I watched it last night and was left with very mixed feelings in the end. I mean, whom should we really blame? The answer to this question would solve a lot of problems.

PPS: On a lighter note, this is a brilliant song from the movie. Although I can barely understand the lyrics, I can't stop listening to it.

The Division Bell

2008-11-26T03:10:00.005-05:00

I have never had to face the situation where I could not sleep. In fact I have been blessed with the ability to drift into deep sleep within 10 seconds from the moment I'd lie down. The last few months have been strikingly different though. [Now I truly understand why people were jealous of my sleeping capability]. Fuck! I don't like lying in bed, staring at the wall trying to push thoughts aside and count sheep with the hope that it'll make me sleepy.
The only way to make it easier is to listen to my favorite Floyd album over and over again. I somehow can't seem to get enough of this album ever.

I just need to get past 'Take it back' and move on to 'Coming back to life'.

Life is a lemon!

2008-11-25T17:27:00.005-05:00

The inspiration for this post is from here.
Define: despair

a state in which all hope is lost or absent;
abandon hope; give up hope; lose heart;
the feeling that everything is wrong and nothing will turn out well;
Despair was a technical thrash metal band from Germany, featuring multi-instrumentalist Waldemar Sorychta
Despair (Отчаяние (Otchayanie) in Russian) was written by Vladimir Nabokov and originally published as a serial in Sovremennye Zapiski during 1934. It was then published as a book in 1936 and later translated to English by the author in 1937.

I have been trying to listen to some different music for the past week. Felt like I was getting too stuck up with the same stuff in life. Heard this song almost after 3 years. Still remember how amused I was, the first time I heard it. Love way it starts!

I want my money back! I want my money back!

It's all or nothing, and nothing s all I ever get
Every time I turn it on, I burn it up and burn it out

It's always something, there's always something going wrong
That's the only guarantee, that's what this is all about

It's a never ending attack, everything s a lie and that's a fact
Life is a lemon and I want my money back

You can listen to the full song here.

The Hardest Part

2008-11-22T19:00:00.001-05:00

And the hardest apart
Was letting go not taking part
Was the hardest part
And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start.

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining in the clouds
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out.

And the hardest part
Was letting go not taking part
You really broke my heart
And I tried to sing
But I couldn't think of anything
And that was the hardest part.

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You're a silver lining the clouds
Oh, and I
Oh, and I
I wonder what its all about
I wonder what its all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do it just comes undone
And everything is torn apart
Oh and thats the hardest part
Thats the hardest part
Yeah, thats the hardest part
Thats the hardest part

- Coldplay [The Hardest Part]

(:

2008-11-21T01:20:00.003-05:00

In the end, (more often than not) the only consolation you can give yourself is that you did your best, probably all that you could. The fact that you saw it coming doesn't help much. Life goes around in circles and we come to face the same things all over again. Same dreaded fears, same joys, same old pains, same uncertainties, same loss of faith. You got to learn to suck it up and get ready to go round and round. Its all going to turn around, with time. Just like seasons do. Only because it is difficult to smile right now doesn't mean you'll never smile again ever (:

"A fire a fire, you can only take what you can carry,
A pulse, you're pulse, it's the only thing I can remember.
I break, you don't, I was always set to self-destruct, though
The fire, the fire, the cracks and the barks like primal music."

- Snow Patrol [If there s a rocket tie me to it]

:D

2008-11-20T02:05:00.001-05:00

Attractive Girls Union Refuses To Enter Into Talks With Mike Greenman

So give me _something_ to believe!

2008-11-18T02:16:00.000-05:00

So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breath
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

(:

Of cruel jokes

2008-11-16T03:39:00.004-05:00

Often while talking to a bunch of people, some sensitive topics are hit. Its not always out of someone's recklessness really. I used to be quite touchy w.r.t some issues a few years back. And to some extent I still am, honestly. But now, one question that bothers me is, what's the point of cribbing that life plays cruel jokes? I think it is a good idea to become brave enough to be able to laugh at them. Easier said than done, I know. But try, we all can :)

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,
Or the moment of the truth in your lies.
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

- Iris [The goo goo dolls]

Care. Really?

2008-11-13T12:03:00.003-05:00

There are times when you are going to get drenched, no matter how hard you try to avoid it. And you know it. Then why not tear open the safety nets and just enjoy the rains while they last? Sheer confusion between what one should do and what one wants to do. Kind of a hopeless situation really.

One of the many things I don't quite understand about people is the intensity of their concerns about something in your life that exceeds the gravity of your own concerns. Unhindered even when you say you don't want to talk about it. Allegedly all of this out of care for me. Only friends whom I use as doormats and handkerchiefs actually have earned the right to do so. No one, absolutely no one else should even utter the words "I care about you"! I think some people are just bored in their life and need some events / people to talk about [read: gossip] and fool themselves in to believing that they care.

Forbidden hence desired

2008-11-11T16:11:00.003-05:00

It is sometimes difficult to reason out somethings we desire. The line between wanting something simply because we cannot have it and really wanting something for the heck of it is indeed fuzzy. I think its human nature to desire something that is forbidden. But as evolved creatures, shouldn't we be able to rise above those emotions and want things for what they are worth?

If you claim you know me, why don't you realize that the real reason for my refusal to something could be just because I want to say no? What makes you so sure that I am playing hard to get? Wouldn't I be tired of playing games for so many years? I know I won't be tired of refusing for sure. Its about time you grew up and faced denial!

Nostalgia

2008-11-09T23:16:00.007-05:00

The other day I saw some ridiculously dumb advertisements at the movies. The discussion then went on with me trying to convince how smart Indian ads are and then further youtubing for some samples to prove my point when we got home. Turns out language is a very important factor for someone to be convinced about that. And most ads that have left an impression on me have been in Hindi, so sadly I couldn't really prove my point.
Anyhow, that conversation took me down the memory lane. Here s an ad I grew up watching. It was my moms favorite ad, I was too young to know why. I guess I realize now why the song brought tears in her eyes every time she watched it.

Remember remember the 5th of November

2008-11-06T00:48:00.005-05:00

So after contemplating for so long I finally bought the tickets last night after seeing a really good deal for great seats and a fair price. I must say that these were the best $65 I have spent till date :)
And to top it off, Chris Martin touched my hand while walking from the main stage to back aisle of the stadium. Although my instant reaction was "Ewww...my hand is wet. He's sweating so much!" I did realize in a moment what had occurred and couldnt help grinning all evening after that. Man they put up one helluva show. After starting with the songs from their latest hit album Viva la vida, Clocks etc they pleasantly surprised me when they sang "The hardest part". Of course they topped it off when they made a re-entry and sang "Yellow" at last.
Here are a few videos I took. [I did not record my favorite songs since I didnt want any distractions while listening to them live. Also, youtube allows 100mb videos, so some real nice and longer ones will stay on my hard disk.]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOCW-5Sl0_4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcoZjqSFRpg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JSVfqybVq58

The pictures (my attempt to capture the light effects) are here:

http://picasaweb.google.com/mailsudnya/ColdplayLiveInAtlanta#

All in all, one helluva day! Oh yea, I almost forgot....

"Remember, remember the Fifth of November,
The Gunpowder Treason and Plot,
I can think of no reason
Why the Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot."

Overall, I can bet I am not going to forget this 5th of November for a very long time :)

Winds of change!

2008-11-04T23:34:00.004-05:00

Hope this change improves things drastically. Nothing less than that would help!
Truly a historic day. This could have happened only in the United States of America.

PS: I am super excited about tomorrow [cos of this]. Details later.

Sorrow

2008-11-02T12:07:00.004-05:00

Last night while talking to someone I realized that now-a-days I barely have my tremendous mood swings that most people used to dread. For the last few months my mood has been more or less just the same. Monotonicity is a good thing, not.

The sweet smell of a great sorrow lies over the land
Plumes of smoke rise and merge into the leaden sky.
A man lies and dreams of green fields and rivers,
But awakes to a morning with no reason for waking.

- Sorrow [Pink Floyd]

But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward

2008-10-31T12:55:00.003-04:00

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! "

- Rocky Balboa

One of the better videos I have seen on youtube in a *really* long time. [Except the fact that Ubuntu 8.04 made watching youtube impossible on my machine, and I barely youtube for non-music videos.]

Fuck!

2008-10-29T12:45:00.006-04:00

I'm tired of hearing "Be patient, times will change soon" (Or other statements to this effect). Feels like I have fallen into a pit less abyss, and each day takes me further down to depths unexplored before. I don't know how far do I have to endure ahead on this road before there s a turn. I eagerly await a chance to turn. A turn to better places, more opportunities, a brighter future, happy times. Keeping faith has become unusually difficult these days.
For now I can only hope and wait ..... staring into the abyss.

Of temptations

2008-10-26T01:32:00.003-04:00

Temptations are sinful yet irresistible. Iff only we hold back for that weak moment can we see through their facade and realize how ugly they really are. And they turn into a gory unwanted object. Its all a matter of time.

(Yes, I am grossly out of shape and need to be strong in order to resist spoiler foodstuffs. And no, I don't think round is a shape humans should have.)

"When it started we had high hopes;
now my back's on the line, my back's on the ropes...
When it started we were alright,
but night makes a fool of us in daylight."

"There we were dying of frustration,
saying, "Lord lead me not into temptation."
But it's not easy when she turns you on...
since they've gone."

- Yes [Coldplay]

Of this and that

2008-10-25T17:46:00.005-04:00

I know a handful of people who would love this song simply cos they can relate to it. Last.fm is quite cool. Joined it recently and found some really interesting bands there. I plan to build a friends network there (since the only thing I do on facebook these days is share music with friends) so if you're interested add me up. My (real) first name is my id.
________________________________________________________

Open books exams suck cos nothing absolutely nothing helps you in those.
Besides that someone close to me suggested that I should try and be a tad more meticulous so as to focus on my hobbies and interests in the long term. And since he himself walks his talk I am going to take his suggestion seriously.
________________________________________________________

Something really nice that Dad reassuringly said today "Bigger risks are a part and parcel of expanding your horizons. For bigger joys, you ought to take bigger risks and face bigger sorrows."
________________________________________________________

I *finally* downloaded the discography of Alan Parsons Project. I guess thats going to keep me busy at least for the next 3 weeks. [They have whooping 22 albums!]
________________________________________________________

Be very careful before you mention your favorite songs to people. It says a lot of things about you. The really smart ones can know a lot about you by the music you appreciate. So if you dont want them to see through you, keep a check on what you tell them.

________________________________________________________

"Road to Mandalay" is Robbie Williams' best song ever!

________________________________________________________

Don't stop dancing

2008-10-21T22:22:00.002-04:00

At times life is wicked and I just can’t
see the light
A silver lining sometimes isn’t enough
To make some wrongs seem right
Whatever life brings
I’ve been through everything
And now I’m on my knees again

But I know I must go on
Although I hurt I must be strong
Because inside I know that many
feel this way

Children don’t stop dancing
Believe you can fly
Away…away

At times life’s unfair and you know
it’s plain to see
Hey God I know I’m just a dot in
this world
Have you forgot about me?
Whatever life brings
I’ve been through everything
And now I’m on my knees again

But I know I must go on
Although I hurt I must be strong
Because inside I know that many
feel this way

- Don't stop dancing [Creed]

Probably the only thing worse than failure is a missed opportunity.

Crossing bridges

2008-10-21T22:05:00.003-04:00

"Don't cross a bridge until you come to it."
Not always a good idea.

At times I surprise myself to realize how prudent I really am :)
Maybe a tad shrewd, but not too much to be any less human than most others. I suppose (hope?!).
After all, Darwin's theory too reassures the survival of the astute.

Abyss

2008-10-21T19:17:00.003-04:00

Sometimes the abyss is so unusually deep it fools you and gives an illusion of being suspended, in space and time. And you grow so bored of being stuck in mid-air for so long that you wish you'd hit the bottom for once. You know you'd be hurt but at least get over with it.

Reality bites!

2008-10-20T03:11:00.002-04:00

Sometimes you have to ensure that you're ready to face the bare truth before you clear the haze of confusion. And being logical, making rational choices can sometimes ease the anticipated pain and errors, sometimes.
These days I look back once in a while when I am walking alone. I don't know why.

"Can you see your days blighted by darkness?
Is it true you beat your fists on the floor?
Stuck in a world of isolation
While the ivy grows over the door."

kill -9

2008-10-15T03:45:00.001-04:00

I know its way too geeky, but I can't seem to get over this one.
Just too awesome to not be posted here :P

These lines take the cake....
You're running csh and my shell is bash,
You're the tertiary storage; I'm the L1 cache.
I'm a web crawling spider; you an Internet mosquito;
You thought the 7-layer model referred to a burrito.
You're a dialup connection; I'm a gigabit LAN.

Swallowed in the sea - II

2008-10-14T02:29:00.001-04:00

"You cut me down a tree
And brought it back to me
And that's what made me see
Where I was going wrong

You put me on a shelf
And kept me for yourself
I can only blame myself
You can only blame me"

24!

2008-10-14T02:20:00.006-04:00

Yea, and next year its going to be a silver jubilee! Time is running out... so much yet to achieve and so less time. This song truly reflects how I feel.
I think 21 is the perfect / prime age. After that its all a downfall ;)
So I'm not too excited about growing another year older.
Yeah, but 2 surprise parties, 2 cakes, 2 Floyd t shirts and many other wishes .... don't think I can complain too much. Or can I?
Naah, not today :)

PS: This was one of the best wishes I received today:

"Aboli wrote at 10:16pm

Hey , Happy Birthday! Wish you lot of Love and Happiness this birthday...and erm, hot guys ;)"

Well what more could I ask for from life? :P

Swallowed in the sea

2008-10-11T02:22:00.003-04:00

I've heard the phrases "Don't run away from your fears by shutting them off, face them head on instead" and "Just go with the flow" way too many times in the last few weeks. I guess its high time I start doing that. Trying to control events in your life doesn't really change their occurrence /eventuality. It simply upsets you when things don't go the way you wanted them to.
And as far as facing fears is concerned, I am working on it. I am a big music buff and sometimes I give up listening to some songs simply cos of the fear of the memories that they bring back. So here s one such song [long forgotten] that I have been listening without be afraid. Whatever happened is over and me listening to this song [or not listening to it for that matter] won't change anything.
So here s a beautiful song [and Keira's video is obviously my favorite!]
:)

Shucks!

2008-10-05T01:12:00.001-04:00

.....

Violet Hill

2008-10-04T04:15:00.002-04:00

Now-a-days, I rarely check Facebook thanks to the Pidgin plug-in that I recently discovered. Mostly login on weekends. A fellow rock fan keeps updating me on the music front on Facebook. This song freaked me out, the lyrics in particular. Seriously, I couldn't believe my eyes!
Guess some events / memories will always have that effect on you, no matter how old they get. I wish the concept in Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind could be true someday.... someday :)

Comic strip

2008-10-01T19:32:00.003-04:00

Seems like some of my friends like me so much that they waste their time coming up with stuff like this! :P We all know that everyone loves to laugh at me (at times I do too!)
And I am being such a good sport by showing this off (rather basking in the attention that I get)

For this strip, I shouldn't forget to say,
Courtesy: Akshay Panday

Also, few things worth a mention:
#1. I flew by Lufthansa not Delta.
#2. The love for rock n roll is way older than this.
#3. Akshay Panday is the wittiest guy I have known till date.
#4. I am not just funny, I can be witty too
B-)

Back in the game

2008-10-01T01:45:00.002-04:00

A sudden surge of waves can topple dreary into nice
be it a brand new chord or release of a stuck record.
Cos everyone loves to be back on the board
even if they're not yet ready to roll the dice.

Just bcos I'm losing doesnt mean I'm lost!

2008-09-29T03:01:00.003-04:00

Yea, Coldplay's Viva la Vida is growing onto me.
[A proof - the fact that I have listened to "Strawberry swing" over 115 times in the past 4 days! :-o ]
Anyway, each day brings with it a new song.
Today this one struck to me particularly, since I badly want to say it to this one person but simply cannot! And sadly enough that person doesn't read this blog either. I'll type the lyrics over here nonetheless.

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I would cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get
What I deserved
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I tried to cross
Every door I ever tried was locked
Ohhh and I'm...
Just waiting 'til the shine wears off

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
Cause along may come
A bigger one

And you'll be lost

Mr. Brooks

2008-09-29T01:40:00.002-04:00

One of the best movies I have watched after Dark Knight. Multiple subplots, unexpected twists and brilliant acting by Kevin Costner make it a must watch.
I am not going to endorse this movie anymore, I am too lazy to type after a sumptuous dinner of samosas, different chicken dishes and the Opera cake for dessert. I am this happy for the 1st time ever since I got back from San Diego. I realized that I indeed am a girl of simple taste (needs?!)
Another confusion cleared totally this weekend (a big relief!) I have this funny (but nice) feeling after a long time. Lets hope it lasts.. and goes somewhere.

Tagged once more - My perfect lover

2008-09-28T00:34:00.004-04:00

Okay, I have done this before. Its funny how tags exist for so long and come back to you, as if to complete a full circle of acquaintances.

So, since the tag says that I dont have to repost it if I have already done I am just reposting the link here:

My perfect lover

Although I made this list over 2.5 years ago (during which I've changed a LOT!) and have had 2 boyfriends (I spiralled down from an almost perfect one to another nowhere close to that) since then, I dont think there s (&&want) any change in the list of things I expect from 'my perfect lover' :P

....Perfect never changes! And the quest for Mr. Perfect continues....
:)

KK, Akshay P, Snigdha, Bhisham, Rohan K, Manodeep - if you could write your 8 points that would be great. If not, nevermind.

FF v/s Opera

2008-09-27T16:47:00.004-04:00

So after over 3.5 years, I have given up on Firefox and moved to another browser. It has been a very pleasant journey till now I must say. The only reason I decided to stay off Firefox was cos I've had too many issues ever since FF3. The situation further worsened after I upgraded from 7.10 to Hardy Heron (8.04). FF froze my system way too often causing a hard reboot.
Due to this incomptibilty, I had to pick one from Ubuntu and FF. In the past one year, Ubuntu has become a way of life and I didn't want to shift to anything else cos of FF and finally decided to give up on FF3 instead. Its a big change, and I dont know how I am going to cope with it (remember we created history by downloading FF3 all on one day: http://www.spreadfirefox.com/en-US/worldrecord/ ) but now something s gotta give. And I am eagerly waiting for Chrome launch on Linux.
The next month is going to be crucial. Intrepid Ipex (8.10) will be released and so will Chrome on Linux. Hopefully they will fix this issue.
Opera on the other hand isnt totally new to me. I had used it during the 1st week it was released (sometime in 2006) and boy was it a resource hogger! It has come a long way since then and it now open source. I have high hopes from it.
Anyway, its goodbye for now FF. I am mighty sure I am going to miss you *real bad*! :)

Strawberry Swing

2008-09-23T15:54:00.002-04:00

I cant seem to decide which is my favorite song from Viva La Vida. The title track and this song come very close to # 1 spot. Some how this song has this cheerfulness about it, which is quite different from the title track. Strawberry swing takes me to some sort of happy place while I can totally relate to Viva La Vida with my current life. I guess I'd love to visit the happy place for a while :)

Brownies

2008-09-22T00:14:00.002-04:00

Missed these after almost 2.5 years tonight (while I was in the midst of studying for tomorrow's test). And my instant reaction on the thought was - a smile, very genuine and quite heart felt. Feels good, finally crossed that bridge over troubled waters. Might never have those brownies again. At least the memories wont bring back the taste of bitter chocolate, but caramel instead.
Peace, let the sweetness prevail :)

PS: Seems like, a person can handle bitterness towards only one thing at a time.

Coldplay

2008-09-20T14:17:00.002-04:00

I think Coldplay s gonna be the next big thing after Floyd. Of course there s no point/way in comparing the two bands. All I am saying is that the rate of increase in popularity of Coldplay these days (&&the lack of new good bands) makes me wonder if they will be the next Floyd / U2. Maybe I am biased but I dont see anyone having such successful tours as them.

This is getting more and more compelling by the day, but I still havent made up my mind. Hopefully I will have achieved all the goals I set for myself till then, and I will proudly reward myself with a ticket.
*Touchwood!*

End of an era!

2008-09-15T17:25:00.002-04:00

To Richard Wright, Lehman Bros. , Merrill Lynch. Cant say in what order. They are totally unrelated except this event today. But either way, this day is truly the end of an era.

What next?

2008-09-13T03:30:00.002-04:00

This post by Yashita took me down the memory lane tonight.
I could totally relate to it! What struck me most was the way things have turned ever since that time.

About 5-6 years ago I was such an an avid reader, that it would be fair to call me an 'addict'. Used to read mostly fiction, but quite a few serious books way too matured for my age back then (according to some people). I vividly remember those days when I'd stun my librarian by finishing off a 500 page novel everyday. But life got a tad hectic after that phase and somehow reading became much rarer. There was always something to do and I couldn't run the risk of starting a new book, since I could never put it down once I'd start.

So since then, movies took over. I became such a big movie buff that at one point in time I'd watched all the top movies (imdb) of my favorite genres.

The past 2 years have been all the more hectic, and I couldn't afford to spare a big enough chunk of time for movies and I shifted to sitcoms / stand up comedies that wouldn't be too addictive and would finish in ~20mins.

Now I cant seem to find time for that either (I mostly go take a quick swim / run instead), so the only question that bothers me is what next?
As humans we all need entertainment to recharge our batteries and I don't know what this accelerated pace of life will lead to, on that front.
I'd love to go back to the books phase and start all over again :)

Friends

2008-09-06T13:11:00.002-04:00

So much more important than one can fathom.

Also, you must read PanDay and Snighdha's blogs. I wish I could write half as awesome as they do :)

Take away my pain!

2008-09-04T17:33:00.001-04:00

Missing San Diego, the place as well as the people. Listening to Dream Theater over and over again. Love these lines from the song,

I was standing by the edge of the water
I noticed my reflection in the waves
Then I saw you looking back at me
And I knew that for a moment
You were calling out my name
You took away my hero
Will you take away my pain

Take away my pain
Let the cold inside
It's time to let it rain
There's nothing left to hide
Take away my pain

Entangled

2008-08-31T19:33:00.002-04:00

At times some sets should be totally disconnected. Wiping them off the sample space then becomes much easier. Intersecting sets are too tricky to deal with when it comes to deletion.

I led my life in distinct social sets till now, with barely any intersection, iff any. Of course there are some downsides to it as well (viz. not having sufficient time for each etc :P !) but I think its simpler to chop off some phase / people that way. Perhaps it seems tricky since I never had to face the former till now :D
I guess I will have to learn to deal with this situation, (I have no other option now) there s just way too much that s entangled.

:)

Locker rooms

2008-08-28T17:50:00.004-04:00

are scary places :(
Most of the time you see too much (even if you don't want to!)
:-O

California :)

2008-08-28T01:21:00.007-04:00

Well a lot of people have complained that I didn't post much while I was in staying in the 'happening west coast' and that I should write at least something about my summer on this blog. Well, I have been broadcasting emails about the details of my life in California once in a while to people I wished to update, and honestly I would say I was too busy living life in California than spending time on blogging about it :)
Its been over a week since I left California but I guess I still have a hangover from the California high :D
(The above picture taken at my most favoritestestestest place in San Diego!)
Just take a look at the San Diego skyline and tell me who wouldnt love such a place!

Anyway so its been an awesome summer. Truly the best days / dates / road trips / movie marathons etc of my life so far :)
San Diego is a superb place with a picnic-y feel to it and tons of variety of things to do . I couldnt (still cant) believe that I had 3 perfecttt dates (with 3 different people at 3 totally different places at 3 different times of course :P ) in this one city! :-o
Grand Canyon was a success and I would like to take this chance to say in your face loserrrrs! to people who said that we wouldnt be able to finish it in a day just cos there were 3 girls in the group! x-(
I also realized that I am getting better at giving (&&planning) surprises :)
That white guys && men dig brown girls bigtime :P
Lost a bunch of inhibitions finally (very glad / relieved about that!)
Ironically enough my manager admired my one quality as my strong point, which everyone else sees lacking in me (including myself :P )

Last but not the least, its as much about the people as it is about the place :)
There s just so much to say, but no time (I am back to grad school remember? :( ...)

So here s a slideshow and songs that I compiled in an attempt to sum it all up.....
Enjoy!

Of Olympics 2008

2008-08-22T00:35:00.001-04:00

What can I say... B-R-I-L-L-I-A-N-T... simply brilliant!
:)

November rain!

2008-08-12T00:01:00.001-04:00

'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
:)

- Guns n Roses

Of surprises and disappointments

2008-08-08T13:20:00.003-04:00

The greatest irony of life is that it easily twists an arm of a surprise and changes it to a disappointment.
But does that mean you stop having faith in the pleasantness of surprises?
Should one get out of the game cos one shot didn't go the way she hoped for?
Nah, I don't think so! After all its just a petty game :P