New adventures!

The mister is now a doctor, and we're on our way to a multi-contintent adventure :)

The next two months should be very exciting!

Fear of the unknown

They tell you to replace your fear of the unknown with curiosity.

Who'll tell them you fear turning that knob more than what lies behind that door?

At times, it could help to be curious of what you're capable of, than of what is on the other side of that door.

Climbing up Maslow's hierarchy is a very enriching journey!

---------------

I need to join some Toastmaster's club. I miss the Speakers' club from school.

2010 recap

2010 was full of firsts for me. Some that challenged me to learn and do things I had never done before; some were pleasant surprises that were smooth rides.

• Visited 'his parents' for the first time. Have had my fair share of relationships, none went till this stage though.
• Went back to visit my family for the first time since I moved to the United States. It was an exhilarating moment when we saw each other at the airport. Spent an entire month with my parents and sister. There was a lot of catching up to do and the fact that they both took the month off work helped. For the first time in my life, told my parents that I had met the love of my life; the one I planned to spend the rest of my life with. They had problems accepting a foreigner as my choice, right away. But after a lot of questioning and information extraction, they took it in the right spirit.
• Our first annual anniversary :)
• Moved to California and got my first car. [Soon came to be known as the naive girl who answered "Which car did you buy?" with a "Silver" :P ] Moving was quite easy thanks to the relocation package and the fact that I just took my clothes with me and rented a furnished apartment.
• Discovered I have pollen allergies :( Spring time is going to be rough in the desert for me!
• Lived alone for the first time. It was an interesting experience to say the least. And if I didn't miss him so much, I'd continue to live alone.
• This year was the first time we stayed apart for such extended periods of time :( It sucked in the start with my trip to India and then the move to California. But he soon moved out here in the summer, although in a different city. It only got better from there.
• Bought my first drum set and started taking drum lessons. Something that I have wanted to do since I started listening to rock music.
• We spent most of the summer and fall exploring the scenic California outdoors. I really love being close to the ocean (in spite of my hair getting frizzy!)
• Attended an American wedding for the first time [even bought a nice dress!]
• We took a vacation and went to San Diego for a week together [just like a week in Miami,FL last year]. Only the hotel was on an island with a view of the bay in front and a yacht club behind [it was just a golf course in Miami]. This was one of the highlights of the year.
• Went on my first dinner cruise :) Champagne, French food, creme bruele, dancing - the whole deal :)
• Got engaged. When he proposed by going down on both knees with a trinity diamond ring, genuine heartfelt words and a view like this, there was no reason for it to not be the perfect moment.
• This year was fantastic on the music front, I got a chance to see amazing artists like A.R.Rahman, Interpol, Roger Waters, Indian Ocean etc.
• The year ended with me trying my hands at golf for the first time. We drove down to visit his parents for Christmas. Went golfing with his enthusiast dad who taught me the basics and observed that I had a 'naturally good swing'.
• Started my first fire inside a fireplace (at his parents' place). It is much harder than it seems!
• I opened my first investment account. Financially, my goal this year was simply to pay off most of my student debt and I managed to reach the set milestones. I have been investing only in the company I work for, due to discounts and benefits. I need to learn about investment strategies.
• Professionally, this year gave me a lot of opportunities to get hands on experience with large code bases. The work environment was daunting at first with extremely brilliant people as peers. But it soon became a norm to have lunch on the same table a someone with significant contributions to the field. I got reviewed and recognized for my efforts, which was nice. I have started working on the suggested improvements already. I cannot divulge more details due to Non-disclosure Agreements but the chip I worked on will be available on the shelf sometime next year. I hope to have many more interesting things to say on this blog in a similar post next year :)
• Physically, this year was excellent due the amazing California weather and scenic outdoors. After moving out here, I disciplined myself into a regular running routine and managed to get myself out of the winter slumber in Georgia to easily running 5 miles under 45 minutes by the end of summer. Unfortunately, it has been raining a lot in the last month and I have been infrequent in my runs and thus lowered my mileage :( I decided to lose weight and lost about 12 lbs in 3 months :) That provided a much required morale boost.
• As far as friends and social circles are concerned, I finally feel like I am ready to be in this place for the next 5 years at least. So I spent some of my time socializing and making new friends who I regularly do stuff with, be it hiking, music concerts or just movies.

Overall 2010 has been an eventful year that taught me to learn and adapt. I have been heck busy all the time (which is why this post is delayed :-|) but that is not necessarily a bad thing. Over this year, I realized that I easily get bored without challenges. So for me, climbing really difficult mountains is much more exciting than sitting around or walking on a comfortable plain.

Thus 2011 will be full of many more new firsts as well. Next post about goals in 2011. Until then adios!

Loveliest Engagement

The beginning could be described by

"I know you've suffered
But I don't want you to hide
It's cold and loveless
I won't let you be denied"

[ From : A muse song ]

2 years later we were singing a duet

"You are my joy

If I could cradle you into my arms
I would cradle you tight in my arms always
So don't be scared of all the hurtful words
'Cos in the end they'll hurt themselves much more

You are my joy
You are my joy
You are my joy
You are my joy"

[ From: One of our favorite songs this year ]

Until recently he asked me with a ring in his hand

"I'm running out of ways to make you see
I want you to stay here beside me
I won't be ok and I won't pretend I am
So just tell me today and take my hand
Please take my hand
Please take my hand

Just say yes, just say there's nothing holding you back
It's not a test, nor a trick of the mind
Only love"

[ Just say yes - Snow Patrol ]

The wedding is next year on this exact day. He makes me feel like I am in a dream :) I need to gather the courage to wake up and see that it is real.

The spectator

• The one who wants everything but is too naive to realize what needs to be done to achieve it. Remains oblivious.
  
• The one who doesn't want everything but does just enough to achieve what (s)he wants. Sometimes waivers, but is capable of damage control. Is mostly satisfied.
  
• The one who is unsure, denies (s)he wants something because (s)he doesn't want to lose face in case (s)he doesn't achieve something; mainly under-confident. Is mostly in denial, even with self at times. Escapes by taking the 'higher-than-thou' approach and preaching 'accomplishment means nothing in the grander scheme'.
  
• The one who randomly picks something 'to want', fixes focus on it, knows it means nothing in the bigger scheme of things, yet takes efforts for it; wants to throw it away (to prove it really means nothing to him/her) after achieving it. Tends to treat it all as a game. Indifferent after the accomplishment.
  

And then there is the one who is amused to watch them all along. The one who silently scoffs to him/herself and considers them as steps of his/her own evolution. Brimmed with conceit, will this one ever stop for a moment to think what (s)he is without them? Just on his/her own. Maybe if (s)he did, (s)he would discover a blend of all of them or maybe a pure new kind. I wish (s)he stops to realize, even for a moment that (s)he isn't rather can't merely be a spectator.

I don't know where those words came from, I decided to write on the blog tonight and ended up writing something so abstract. So, here is a scoop on something factual.

I have been busy. Work is very exciting; I get to interact with sharp minds all the time. Was overwhelmed initially, but more comfortable now. Although solving cutting edge technology problems can be daunting once solved, it is very rewarding. I spend weekends mostly outdoors.

Trying to discipline my

• body to an active routine (training for a half marathon);
• mind by cutting down TV and spending more time reading.

Not much progress on that front :(

Cooking has gone on a back burner (no pun intended!). Not entirely unhappy about that. I do use it as a stress buster occasionally.

He has moved closer and I get to see him more often. I continue to fall (even more) in love with him. Strange how the graph of increase in affection over time is exactly the opposite compared to my previous trysts, rather flings.

Basically learning to -

• take better pictures (I took the picture in this post),
  
• write better (performance efficient) code (can't share that due to confidentiality agreements),
• drive confidently and
• run at a faster pace.

The Planets Bend Between Us .... yes, they still do.

I have already mentioned this song here. But it makes me gush and blush every time I listen to it. I just heard it on the Numb3rs season finale and couldn't resist posting the lyrics.

The Planets Bend Between Us

The winters mar the Earth
It's floor was frozen glass
You slip into my arms
And you quickly correct yourself
Your freezing speech bubbles
Seem to hold your words aloft
I want the smoky clouds of laughter
To swim about me forever more

I will race you to the waterside
And from the edge of Ireland shout out loud
So they could hear it in America
It's all for you

The shells crack under our shoes
Like punctuation points
The planets bend between us
A hundred million suns and stars
The sea filled in this silence
Before you sank those words
And now even in the darkness
I can see how happy you are

I will race you to the waterside
And from the edge of Ireland shout out loud
So they could hear it in a America
It's all for you

It's all for you
It's all for you
It's all for you
It's all for you
It's all for you

- Snow Patrol

Today is one of those days when all I want to say is

Even the best isn't good enough
not without you....
cos I miss you!

Besides that life is good (getting used to the new job and driving around the new place). Can't wait until summer till it turns good enough :) Should be beautiful in California.

Mama I'm coming home

This year started with a great trip to snowy Grand Canyon and the Petrified forests. The view of snow clad Grand Canyon was a striking contrast to what I saw when I hiked down last summer. It was very sunny and the fresh snow simply made it appear pristine. The Petrified forest and the Painted desert presented a view unparalleled to anything I had *ever* seen before.

For the last week, I have been listening to a lot of Ozzy Osborne. A friend had once told me his experience with this particular song. I didn't quite grasp the sentiment at that time. But today while packing my bags, I heard this song and instantly had goosebumps.

Times have changed and times are strange
Here I come, but I ain't the same
Mama, I'm coming home

I've seen your face a hundred times
Everyday we've been apart
I don't care about the sunshine, yeah

'Cause mama, mama, I'm coming home
I'm coming home

- Ozzy Osborne

At the end of 2009 .... all is well

"So many unhappily fail to realize that the sacrifice of life is, in many cases, the easiest of all sacrifices, and to sacrifice, for instance, five or six years of their seething youth to hard and tedious study, if only to multiply ten-fold their powers of serving the truth and the cause they have set before them as a goal -- such a sacrifice is utterly beyond the strength of many of them."
- Dostoyevsky [The Brothers Karamazov]

If I had to summarize the year 2009, I'd say it has been a terrific roller-coaster. (I detested roller-coasters). There were times when I felt I was walking in a dark tunnel and could not see any light at the end of it. Just glad there was someone holding my hand all the way and telling me to walk-on cos he believed I could do it. It is now easy to look back and say victory favors the bold. I learnt a lot in this year and can now only agree with Napoleon Bonaparte when he said “Victory belongs to the most persevering.”

My blog post count has been the lowest by far in the last 5 years, which means I haven't been the unhappiest. Although it has been the most difficult time of my life (or so I'd hope), the fruit at the end of the strife makes me want to describe it more aptly as "challenging". The year is over and so has my struggle with depression, confusion and unemployment. The roller-coaster ride has ended and I am safe.... ready for the next ride :) Last year when a friend said to me that maybe this year would bring me something much more precious in spite of the delay with the usual stuff -- I honestly did not believe her, but now I think she was absolutely right. I am a year late, but no way could have I made it till here and have all that I do now a year ago. Things take their own sweet time indeed, patience and perseverance is the only option one is left with.

It is a blue moon tonight (I wonder how often that happens on new years eve), and I am in the desert (as warm as it could be in the winter) with clear skies. The drive in a convertible beckons.... and I could use some wind on my face after some delicious sushi. It is going to be one of the nicest new years eve, I'm sure.
Here s to new beginnings.... wish you all a wonderful and fulfilling 2010.

I know this is an extremely inappropriate and explicit post. Some might say I am being unreasonably dramatic in my reaction. But, I need to get this off my chest. And heck its my blog I can write what ever I want.

To you,

I will come straight to the point. I think you are a gutless bastard. You were so timid to tell me the truth that you'd didn't care if your actions and fake reasons cost me a couple of extremely painful months full of self loathing and doubt. That simply reflects the extent to which you really cared. I saddens me that in spite of knowing how much I appreciate upfront honesty, you did not have the balls to tell me that the real reason you were walking away was because you had finally gathered enough courage to ask her out after years of chickening out. It surely wasn't the first time that happened to me, but it surely was the first time I believed all that you promised, the first time that I actually loved someone so dearly.

Friends try to pacify me by telling me how it was all for the best and how I should let it go. I am very well aware that if you didn't walk away I wouldn't have met the person I am now with. It is quite comforting to know that he is way better than you in every possible aspect I could ever fathom. But, just because everything is wonderful now doesn't mean I should forgive you for the hell I've been through. I sincerely think you're a chapter in my life that doesn't even deserve to be hidden away deep down, you deserve to be burned. Somewhere while disposing those ashes might I realize that your words were as flaky as those ashes. I am bitter enough to not feel sympathetic for you having to quit a phase of your career. You became a quitter the day you quit on us, everything that follows will just manifest that characteristic.

And I wrote this here instead of an email is because I know you will see this. (Yes, that is how you avoid the guilt of being fickle by fakely convincing yourself you care.) And guess what, I knew right from the start that she was the real cause. Now it is simply confirmed. Don't ever expect me to forgive you. I have waited for two long years to say this. Since you lacked the balls for a honest upfront confrontation, I had to get closure via this blog post. So there.

Me.

Thanksgiving

Thankful, for our first thanksgiving together. Experimented with making turkey for the very first time. Turned out much better than expected. I am high on good food.

I'm thankful for all the things that have turned out so much better than I ever anticipated :)

Happy thanksgiving everyone!

Heh!

This is quite an interesting blog. I really don't understand why some people get so worked up at stuff that is meant to be humorous :P After all, there is a reason why facts are overly exaggerated to seem so ridiculous that it is funny!
PS: I was totally amused by comments on this post.

Blind Pilot

Watched them live once more last night. Last time I saw this band, they opened for The Decemberists in summer. I heard them for the first time then and was very impressed (and talked about them in this post). Last night they were the main band and I was lucky enough to see them up close. One hell of a show, to say the least :)

There seems to be a steep paradigm shift in the rock scene in recent years. With the internet era, iTunes downloads and music recommendations sites 'Indie' bands are going to overtake the mainstream well established bands. Way to go!

Happy

Just read this amazing quote somewhere. The beauty of simplicity often amuses me :)

"In elementary school, they asked me to write about what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy". They told me I didn't understand the assignment, I told them they didn't understand life."

~ Unknown

Looking back

Sometimes you get tired of carrying the burdens of the unknown for way too long. They say time heals all pains. Maybe if you found out the answer or real reasons of certain events after a couple of months, you probably don't feel sad that it happened. (More often than not, you're glad it did.) But isn't it human to still feel betrayed? Cos I do.

In retrospect, the fact I found out after ~20 months was because it was carefully hidden till now hoping that time healed everything. That just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I don't think time is going to fix this bitterness.

Frighteningly beautiful

At bottom, everything he desires and plans goes wrong. What he has occasionally set his heart upon has brought him several times to the edge of the abyss and within a hair of destruction; and if he escaped that, it was certainly not with merely a few scratches. Do you suppose that he feels unhappy about that? He made up his mind long ago not to take his own plans and desires too seriously.
"If I do not succeed that this," he says to himself, "I may perhaps succeed at that; and on the whole I do not know whether I do not have more reason to be grateful to my failures than to any success. What constitutes value and the result of life for me lies elsewhere; my pride as well as my misery lie elsewhere. I know more about life because I have so often been at the verge of losing it; and precisely for that reason do I get more out of life than any of you."

- Friedrich Nietzsche [The Gay Science]

At 25

At 25, I don't care how empty the glass is. All that I know is that I need to keep pouring and trying to fill it up until it is full, however long that takes. Perhaps life becomes easier if you compare yours to Sisyphus.

Birthday was fun!

My food blog

Finally decided to pay heed to my friend's suggestion and started a food blog (primarily will post recipes of my successful trysts in the kitchen). I was procrastinating it due to the 'homely/housewife-y' stigma associated with it by the chuvanists. But I figured, food knows no gender bias.
All the recipes and pictures are from yours truely's kitchen :)

Pause

The crucial point in most situations is the realization of when to stop, step back, expand scope and see stuff in a grander scheme of things. And only then putting things in perspective is useful, iff at all. What happens after that is unpredictable. It could be the tipping point (that leads to a severe fall into an irrecoverable abyss) or simply a pit-stop (that could drastically turn things around and propel events in a good way). Either way, sooner the better.

My website

Finally ... after eons of procrastination, I finished it. I still can't find much to write there like I do on this blog though .

:)

Only if you run!

I was never a big fan of Interpol, but this new album by the lead vocalist of Interpol is way too awesome.

.... And that makes me say "Julian Plenti is.... Skyscraper indeed".
I am stuck in a loop with the opening song of this album. There is something about these lines that stir something recursive

'Cause harmless medications abound, and you're not sick

You will make it
But only if you run!

You will make it
But only if you run!

- Only if you run (Julian Plenti)

Do check out the album. Unwind and No chance survival are the next best songs.

Rain!

Until now I'd always get annoyed by the rains spoiling my running plans. But ever since I started training for a half-marathon, I decided to not let the weather ruin my workout. And today I found out that there are probably very few things more refreshing than a nice 5K run in the rain.

Perseverance is more valuable than most things in any worthy accomplishment. (Of course there are exceptions, but those mostly end up being one time wonders.) Learn to change and then to stick :)

Florida!

Florida - road trip - week long getaway - drive to The Keys with the ocean on both sides all along - Miami - beaches - Jamba Juice for lunch everyday (they don't have JJ in Georgia :-| ) - lobsters - crab-cakes - salmons - tunas - cruise - awesome!

Trapped

Wait till the ice melts. Hang on.
Stay warm.
Don't quit fighting the cold, and freeze.
Someday there'll be a warm breeze.
On one such hot and sunny day,
the sun will melt your pain away.

Just one of those days when you wake up early on a weekend.... can't stop thinking about your present, try to pin-point what was it you did (rather did not) that got you here. 2 years away from home. And although the integral sum of life is very good, you can't resist the urge to go fix some parts. Never realized peer pressure had such terrible effects until now. Pink Floyd's "High hopes" has never made so much sense ever before. Ever!

PS: Don't feel sorry for anyone involved. Most circumstances occur cos although they're not desired, they were deserved. Deserved in one way or another, however indirectly.

The Kissaway Trial

An amazing song by an unknown band (rather not-so-popular-band). I couldn't find their album and had to resort to downloading the FIFA 09 soundtracks album to get my hands on this song! :P

Short, simple but sweet lyrics.

"Writing everything down
In order to keep track of time, I
The scent, the day, this moment!
With hands covering my eyes
Shadows they're good, then I know there's light.

We can, we're strong, we'll beat it!
We can, we're strong, we'll beat it!"

- 61 [The Kissaway Trial]

You can find the song here.

Of this and that

If all things that bring true happiness are free,
why then do we keep running under the money tree?

The downside of deriving joy from simple things in life is that people only notice you fretting about trivial stuff. Ironic eh?

___________________________________________

Stalkers are creepy. And no matter what, there is nothing, *absoltuely nothing* flattering about them. The degree to how sad that makes you probably depends on how big a loser each one is, otherwise.

___________________________________________

I don't want to get into arguing how well Slumdog was made or discussing the fallacies it portrays. The only moral I took from it was the bitter truth we know all along but pretend doesn't exist.
Everyone who (offers to?) helps you has a motive to do so, whether ulterior or not. If people don't think they can benefit from you in some way they wouldn't blink before screwing you over.

And I'd argued against this fact when he first told me this. Dismissed it by calling him a cynic. A recent incident shook my faith in mankind and I gave up arguing (in fact ate my previous words) and felt sorry. Not about having to apologize to him, but for being such a fool all along. He just flashed a lovely smile, not in a "toldya so" manner, but more in a "it's okay. Glad you figured it out without too much damage."

Makes me realize how its not such a bad thing to have terrible experiences, better late than never.

Pedicured!

Yes, so after procrastinating it for over 5 months I finally got a pedicure done this week. And liked it quite a bit.

My favourite part was the lady's (pedicurist's) reaction when I asked her if I could get a pedicure without nail-paint after she asked me to select a shade :D She seemed in a vortex of confusion for eternity, so I decided to spare us both the awkwardness and picked the least gaudy colour. Anyhow, I don't remember the last time I saw paint on my toes. I don't think she liked me even one bit, given that I suck at small talk and most of my replies at her attempts of initiating conversations were yes/no.

Although I feel embarrassed about slowly turning so girly (yes, its cool rather convenient to be a tomboy), I realised I have been wearing flip-flops everywhere except the gym ever since.